A Minor Confusion
by Pics
Summary: A communications error leads to dire consequences. - I know this is rubbish, but I still think it's funny.


"So Alec and I went into the place, and Alec knew something was wrong straight away. We turned around and marched straight back out again. I don't think anyone cottoned on to us. Alec says there are telepaths in the basement, shielded by lead-enforced walls, but I don't know how that works."

The man opposite Suzie nodded thoughtfully, rubbing his clean-shaven chin. He stretched in his leather armchair, flexing his toes in their knee-high boots. He looked mildly bored. "Do continue, dear."

Suzie took a deep breath. "After that, Alec wasn't feeling too well. He wanted a breather, so we took a little detour before going home. That's how we stumbled across you. You don't mind Alec staying away, do you? He's very sensitive, and a whole house full of mutants would have been hard for him to deal with."

"I understand. Telepathy can be… difficult to control." There was a grunt from the far corner of the room behind Suzie. Her smile stayed fixedly in place. Alec had warned her that one of them hadn't won any comportment prizes lately, but shunning furniture in favour crouching on the floor was just ludricrous. The professor rose from his seat to pace the room. Intrigue seemed to have put a spring in his step and a glint in his eye. "So your brother actually saw who planned all this?"

"Yes, Orin Millbank, the media mogul. Alec couldn't see everything because of the…" 

The professor cut her off with an impatient gesture. "Yes, yes, the lead walls. Very useful.", he mused. "And you say the Millbank has tested this… medication successfully."

Suzie resisted the temptation to roll her eyes. For somebody who was supposed to be telepathic the old man was asking a remarkable number of questions. "The serum re-sequenced the genetic structure of the test subjects to enhance their capabilities, yes, but most of the mutants died during testing."

The professor paused in his orbit. "Interesting. Very interesting indeed." He resumed his slow amble, deep in thought.

"You are going to do something about this, right?" she prodded. 

"Hm? Oh yes, certainly. Sabretooth, entertain our guest!" He swept out of the room before Suzie could object. She regarded her host for the evening with a sense of grim foreboding. 

"So what are we gonna do with ourselves?" she asked, eliciting another grunt and a shrug. He straightened to his full height, towering her by several inches. Suzie suppressed a yawn. It was getting late, and she wanted to get back. It had been a mistake to get into the car with the professor, but Alec had insisted they do something about the poor sods in the laboratory. He owed her big time for this. Her stomach rumbled, reminding her forcefully of her last meal, or lack thereof. 

"How about something to eat, big guy?" She looked up at the hairy giant in front of her. He looked a little taken aback by the idea of food. Suzie sighed. It would be a long night.

"Come on, where's the kitchen?"

She fried up a few eggs and toast, pointedly placing the plates on the table and pulled back a chair. "Are you gonna to sit down or what?"

He huffed a little but obediently sat on the proffered chair. Satisfied, Suzie dug into her own meal. There was an outraged roar, followed by metal cluttering on porcelain. Her host clutched his fork with his left hand, clumsily trying to shovel egg in onto it with his right. He dropped a load of fry up down his front and began picking it out of his shirt, with moderate success. If she had fingernails that long she wouldn't be able to hold on to anything either, Suzie thought dryly, thinking of her endless rows of clients who insisted on having their bizarrely long nails groomed and decorated with diamond studs and glitter paint. They thought they had long nails, they hadn't seen this guy yet. He grumbled in frustration and speared a slice of toast instead, tearing large chunks out of the warm bread with his fangs. Suzie picked blindly at her food, reluctant to miss spectacle. A little rough around the edges, but harmless, he had said. Alec was in so much trouble. 

He finally managed to get most of his food where it belonged, with a few souvenirs in his beard and long mane of hair for later. He grunted again and bared his teeth in what she supposed was the smile of a happy customer. God, the guy was a mess.

"You know, we could do something about that." she said.

"Huh?" 

Suzie went back to the large office where she had left her handbag, the hairy giant trailing behind her. The professor had not yet returned, and she unceremoniously pushed the man in the leather chair and dug an oblong silver case out of her bag.

"You, my friend, are stuck in a seventies time warp." she told him. "Have you looked at yourself lately? Well, let me tell you, you're a mess."

He gave a startled gasp. Good. That hair and those sideburns simply shouldn't be allowed. She ruffled through his hair, trying to untangle the untidy mass. 

"I'm a beautician, you know. I could do something about this." 

Hearing no objection, she extracted a small pair of scissors from her case and began snipping away at the long streaks. He snarled, holding his head protectively. 

"Come on, what do you want? You'll look pretty. Trust me."

She snipped away and the matted curls, cutting his hair almost down to the skull. At least that way he would look mildly civilised. He rubbed his hand over his head, now bare, grumbling mildly. 

"Hands!" Suzie demanded, and grabbed his left when he didn't react quickly enough. She pulled his large paw towards the desk light, shaking her head in dismay. 

"Just look at yourself, you're a total mess. I'm surprised your mother ever let you leave the house looking like this." 

He yelped when the first long nail came off. 

"Don't be such a ninny, it doesn't hurt." 

Suzie mercilessly ignored his whining and one by one his browned long claws fell prey to her scissors. The emerging picture looked almost human, she decided. All they had to take care of now was that ridiculous beard. But that would take soap and water.

"Wait here." she commanded, and went in search of a wash bowl and shaving gear, returning minutes later laden with towels and a salad bowl overflowing with water. She looked around the empty room, cursing under her breath. Of course he had left, she should have taken him with her. Now he would look like a total idiot with a half-finished make-over. She put the bowl down on the table. Somebody cleared their throat noisily in the hallway. Her host, now looking less raggedy, stepped into the room, his left arm behind his back. He was smiling sheepishly. 

"I guess you had a look at yourself in the mirror, hm?"

His smile widened. 

"Are you coming over here or do you want me to shave you standing there and drip water all over the carpet?" She waited for him to sit back down and started soaping up his chin. He was still hiding his arm behind the chair, fidgeting unhelpfully when she started to scrape the blade across his stubbly face.

"Sit still, you daft bear." 

He gave a low grumble deep in his throat. The doorbell rang, and she paused in mid-sweep of the blade. 

"I'll get that." she chirped, and crossed the hall to the front door. Alec was standing outside, surrounded by two men and a woman. 

"Alec, hi! How did you get here?"

He shouldered into the room, followed by his posse of strangers. 

"The professor told me where you are. I went looking for help at the school after you got into that car. Are you alright?" Alec asked, with more annoyance than concern in his voice.

"Yes, of course I am. What do you mean, the professor told you? The professor is here, I spoke to him, like you told me to."

Alec shook his head in disgust. 

"You plonker! That's not the professor, it's his archfoe, and you've just given him a juicy tidbit on how to make mutants more dangerous." he scolded.

"Oh." She whispered, and looked back into the living room. The subject of her beauty treatment had risen out of the chair and was walking towards her, wiping foam from his half-shaven face. Alec turned towards her, aghast. 

"Suzie, for God's sake, what are you doing?" 

She was piqued. Maybe her espionage left something to be desired, but her beauty treatments where fabled in the world of mud baths and algae creams. "What do you mean? You said he was harmless."

"Not him." Alec said through clenched teeth.

"Oh." She looked back at her hairy host. He was clinging to a bedraggled rose, looking a little worse for wear after its sojourn in his paw, his shoulders slumped. 

"Can I have my flower before we go?" Suzie didn't wait for an answer, but grabbed the rose and dashed out of the door, followed closely by Alec and his re-enforcements. That was the last time she would help a bunch of total strangers, Suzie vowed. It was just too embarrassing.

- The End - 


End file.
